Monday, April 1, 2019

Comics Hate Group “Cancels” Ms. Megaton Man!

megatropolis, n.y.—Don Simpson’s controversial new Ms. MegatonMan Maxi-Series has the comic book hate group FRFB (Far-Right Fanboys) calling for a boycott, citing the work’s alleged “Social Justice Warrior agenda” that threatens their insecure, toxic-masculine “hobby.”
According to the group, Megaton Man—an over-muscled, dim-witted, “straight-white-male” Megahero of the 1980s—has long been a hyper-macho icon. Hate groups like FRFB see his recent relaunch, reboot, revamp, and race-gender reassignment into a young, “bi-curious” African-American female—with a liberal viewpoint and the title “Ms.” appearing before her name—as a threat to their insular “lifestyle.”

The author claims that Megaton Man and Ms. Megaton Man “have always been two distinct characters,” and that “Nobody’s changing races, genders, or even politics all that much.” Cover of Bizarre Heroes: The Apocalypse Affiliation (Fiasco Comics Inc., 1995).

“Actually, Megaton Man and Ms. Megaton Man have always been two distinct characters,” says the cartoonist-turned-author. “Megaton Man is still a big, dumb white guy, while Ms. Megaton Man has always been a young, black female—since the late eighties, in fact. Nobody’s changing races, genders, or even cultural-political viewpoints all that much.”

Nonetheless, the FRFBers, as they like to be known, have spearheaded a movement to “cancel” the Ms. Megaton Man Maxi-Series—by spiking computer algorithms with frowning emojis and flooding social media with zero-star reviews.

“Simpson’s new stories are anti-straight-white-male, anti-xenophobic, and even anti-nuclear war, for heaven’s sake,” says the unidentified leader of the hate group no one will take credit for. “The Ms. Megaton Man Maxi-Series isn’t even a comic book at all, unlike like the original Megaton Man; it’s some kind of Young Adult prose thing you actually have to read—without pictures. That’s too hard.”

Cover for Ms. Megaton Man #1 planned for 1989 (Kitchen Sink Press, unpublished).

Chick Tucson, scripter of The Grim and Gritty Goofus and Gallant graphic novel and closet FRFBer, says, “It’s an obvious attempt by the Left-Wing Media to ween semi-literate fanboys off of garish funny books, and get them to read ‘real’ literary-type books—which happens to be against our religion.”

Tucson also notes that whereas Megaton Man has big, manly pecs, Ms. Megaton Man is comparatively flat-chested. “We’re talking about an audience that can’t tell good from evil without color coding,” says Tucson, “or distinguish between genders without big bazooms on the babes. If Simpson is going to insist on drawing women that actually look human, how in the heck are we supposed to avoid a crisis of sexual confusion?” For Tucson, the issue is black and white.

“I don’t think these guys have read my work very closely,” says Simpson, the creator of some 37 comic book issues concerning Megaton Man and his related universe. “If they had, they’d know I was always ridiculing them and their severe literal-mindedness. Not just superheroes; I was making fun of them.”

Extreme Right-Wing critics claim the new incarnation of Megaton Man is female, black, and lacks “big bazooms,” whereas the author claims that, the Ms. Megaton Man Maxi-Series notwithstanding, Megaton Man will continue to be a “big, dumb, white guy” like himself. From Megaton Man: Bombshell #1 (Image Comics, July 1999)

In the original storyline, Megaton Man—a straight, white male with grotesquely enormous muscles and the IQ of a toad—has an affair with the See-Thru Girl—a married member of the Megatropolis Quartet. When she becomes pregnant, she elects to raise the child on her own.

“We’re fine with everything up to that point except the choice part,” said an unidentified FRFB member. “But then, Megaton Man swallows the Cosmic Cue-Ball, loses his big muscles and Megapowers, and becomes Mr. Mom or something.” As an ordinary Civilian, Trent Phloog follows the unwed mother-to-be, Stella Starlight, back to “a liberal college town in the Midwest” to raise their illegitimate child in a post-modern “parental partnership.” “That’s completely immoral.”

Even worse in the eyes of hard-line Right-Wing fans is the fact that Simpson’s new prose retellings are narrated by Ms. Megaton Man, an African-American “Social Justice Warrior” who started out in 1985 as “Civilian” Clarissa James before acquiring Megapowers of her own—possibly through sexual transmission.

One of many left-leaning cartoons that got Don Simpson expelled from the comic book industry.

But Simpson’s new “YA prose experiment” has a few staunch defenders. “Having Clarissa narrate these problematic stories is in itself a sly critique of white privilege,” notes Dr. Ivy C. Halls, Director of Consciousness-Raising Studies at Arbor State University. “What has the extremists upset is the oppressive voice of the big, white, male—Megaton Man, in this case—has been silenced. He isn’t telling these stories himself; he has been ‘Othered,’ emphatically Resisted, and replaced by a strong, empowered voice—the Subaltern—which sounds like a groovy Megavillain.”

However, Dr. Halls has a few reservations of her own. “What has me upset, personally, is the author is really still just an old, straight, white guy—somebody that doesn’t ‘Look Like Me’ at all.”

Advanced chapters hacked by Leaky Dickhead reveal that Megaton Man and the See-Thru Girl’s love-child, Simon, will live in a communal house surrounded by gay and bisexual Public Radio listeners, eventually attend a touchy-feely “daycare” center, and may even “learn a few words of French.”

The Far-Right Fanboys want a Megaton Man that's "straight, white, male—and pro-nuclear war." The author claims his critics must not be able to read past the third-grade level. From Megaton Man #3 (Kitchen Sink Press, April 1985).

“There’s even a talking cat, some Martians, and a guy made of wool,” complained the Fake News Blog The Bleating Mule. “Oh, wait—that last one’s just Yarn Man. Never mind; he’s pretty cool.”

Author Simpson refuses to back down. “These ‘Farting Fibbers’ remind me of the kind of fans who never could distinguish between my peculiar brand of subtle satire and the hyper-macho Guns & Ammo reinterpretations of campy old comic books like The Dork Nuke.”

Ivy C. Halls observes, “Many fans probably have never noticed that a megaton is a million tons of TNT—the unit by which thermonuclear weapons are measured. The Megaton Man narrative has always been against nuclear war and social injustice. Now that it is being told from the point of view of Ms. Megaton Man, maybe a few more people will be in on the joke. And stop calling him Megatron Man.”

As for the boycott, Simpson says it probably won’t affect the Ms. Megaton Man Maxi-Series very much. “I’m just posting it on my blog for free right now anyway. Take it or leave it.”
The Ms. Megaton Man Maxi-Series: First Chapter | All Chapters | Latest Chapter

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