Saturday, March 3, 2018

Worldwide Shortage of Therapy Dogs Threatens Higher Ed

SATIRE - As if the onslaught of Betsy DeVos and the Trump administration, a generation or more of cynical miseducation of the electorate by the Republican Party, and a dumbing down of American society by supposedly "smart" technologies weren't enough, higher education faces its biggest threat yet: a shortage of therapy dogs.

"Our undergraduates can't function without a weekly if not daily petting session with a fuzzy puppy or some other cute and cuddly animal," said Hinter McFarland, director of Counseling Services and Propriety at Arbor Harbor State University in Cass City, Michigan. "Many of our graduate students are paralyzed too, although most of them have already just doubled their heavy drinking."

Experts claim that the shortage of pettable pets has led students to resort to some strange bedfellows. "Fans of Harry Potter on our campus have resorted to owls, with tragic results," says Cornelia Bespoke, head librarian at Bayonne College in Landfill, New Jersey. "Turns out owls are nocturnal creatures who turn particularly nasty when you try to cage them. Incidents of student abrasions and eye-gougings are up 63% over last school year."

Some Potterheads have also tried rats.

"Only problem is, you might end up with Peter Pettigrew," says Bespoke.

Plutonium Pup from the Megaton Man Weekly Serial, 1998. ™ and © Don Simpson 2018, all rights reserved.
If the trend continues, colleges and university may have to allow greater on-campus presence by "helicopter parents."

"The skies over our campuses are going to get very crowded," says McFarland. "We're looking at 'Drone Parenting' as a substitute."

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